In any workplace, great communication is the key to good relationships and great business results. However for many of us it is the Tough Conversations which cause us the most worry, grief and lack of momentum. These conversations usually centre around such topics as:
• Redundancy
• Staffing levels
• Board reporting
• Performance issues
• Conflict resolution
• Difficult personalities [rude people]
• Sickness and health issues that impact on the workplace
• Bullying in the workplace
• Terminations
• Gossip
• Downsizing
As Tough Conversations are a part of our everyday life, we need to be in communication all the time and not just when we have a confronting situation is critical. There are some excellent books available [listed at the end of this article] including: Crucial Conversations, Fierce Conversations and one I would encourage everyone to read is called: Tribes. This encourages us to have a conversation with ourselves about being a leader. The way to handle Tough Conversations has mostly come to me by trial and error. There is no one right way to handle them. Here are some key strategies to consider when next you need to have a tough conversation.
How Tough Conversations Work
A tough conversation is a discussion between two or more people where the stakes are high, opinions are different and emotions are high. These conversations occur in every area of life and business such as HR, sales, training, finance and management.
All tough conversations are one of the three types:
1. What happened. Something happened and there are two or more different perspectives on it, and people are going to fight about what they think happened. This may be quite straight forward to deal with. The machine broke and production stopped – it is fact related and two or more opinions and stories need to worked with to get a solution.
2. Feelings. Two people who have an emotional reaction to each other; one might be feeling angry and the other might be feeling scared. These people are talking through emotional filters and feelings need to be addressed as a priority to allow communication to flow.
3. Identity. Two people are in conflict and the conversation is threatening their whole identity and how they perceive themselves or how others will perceive them.
The challenge with this conversation is that each person confronts themselves as well as confronting the other. For example, with a bully in the workplace you not only have to face a bully, you also must face yourself about having to confront a bully. Some personalities often like being difficult personalities, they don’t want to change their identity as it works for them. Identities such as Bully, Helper, Fixer, Drama Queen, Introvert, Intellectual, Know it All are all identity strategies that work to various degrees. If you challenge their identity you challenge who they are and what they believe about themselves.
An Identity conversation can knock you or the other person off balance. So knowing this,
there are 2 dynamics to the identity conversation. The first dynamic is Internal Reflection.
This is where they ask themselves three basic questions:
1. Am I competent? This is a basic human reaction.
2. Am I a good person? We all want to be good / liked / approved / acknowledged
3. Am I worthy of love? Again, this is a basic human reaction and a primary human need.
For example: A colleague is diagnosed with a type of cancer, has medical treatment for a few months, they are in remission and they come back to work. Their productivity is not as was, they get tired more often and can really only do half days, yet their identity tells them that they must be back at work, doing the job and doing it well. A tough conversation to have with them might be: “Since your cancer diagnosis and treatment, your strength and endurance isn’t the same. I want you to be here as your contribution is fantastic. How can we design your job so that you get the rest and support you need? Have you considered a shorter work week or shorter days?” When you say this, they are immediately going to be internally reflecting with: Am I competent, am I good enough, do they really want me (do they love me)? If you know this is where they are likely to go, it is easier for you to address these questions and also make you and the conversation a safe place for them to be.
The second dynamic is Feedback Reaction. The person you are speaking with is going to deal with the feedback in one of four ways. They are:
1. The All or Nothing - This person is hypersensitive to feedback. They will burst into tears, or get angry or say nothing at all and become emotionally unstable. They are an emotional cocktail and you need to watch their reaction and monitor it. You may need to take time out to let them calm down or let the emotion out.
2. Denial - This type of person clings to the positive feedback. It takes a great deal of mental energy to continue in denial, and the don’t accept negative feedback. This is tough for you and everyone around them. Be patient with them and help them to ‘get’ the reality of the feedback.
3. Exaggeration – This type of person will overplay feedback to the nth degree. If it is good they build themselves up, if it is negative they are destroyed. Again, be patient and don’t pander to the exaggeration, stay calm and focussed.
4. Acceptance – These reaction is rare. This type of person is self aware and open to feedback and will take it on board. Note: even the most experienced and mature people will still sometimes do one or all of the above, depending on how TOUGH the conversation is for them, and, that is OK.
Tough Conversations are undertaken out of commitment and contribution. Many people don’t see it that way, and now you can see why. Here are some hints that may assist you when preparing for tough conversations:
1. You are going to make mistakes. So don’t expect to be perfect, and don’t get yourself tied in knots if you make a mistake. Keep going.
2. You have contributed to the problem. In every case, there is a part of you involved in this problem, even it is only that you are having to deal with it.
3. Let go of trying to control the outcome. The board, or the manager, or the employee is going to be the way they are going to be, you don’t have control over their reactions to tough conversations. They are going to react, and you can still be there for them. If you are prepared, if you have thought through what to expect, it will make it easier for you and them.
4. Making adequate time to have the tough conversations. It is no good to say: I’ve only got five minutes let’s get this over with. You need to give the other party time to respond and also time to let the conversation unfold and get complete the first time you have it.
5. Take a break. If you are in the middle of a conversation and it is not working take time out. You can say: Let’s take a break and come back in five minutes. It is important to put a time limit so the parties do come back.
6. Check for distortions and exaggerations. Sometimes people get carried away and they start feeding on the story, dramatising it and bringing in irrelevancies. It is your job to say: I think we’re off the track.
7. Be the Conversation Champion. Ok, here is something tough I’d like you to consider… You are the source of the quality of the conversations in your company. Because of your position in HR or your leadership role you actually impact way the entire company conversations goes. Pretty massive idea huh? So, even if you have a CEO or a management team with no people skills who destroy possibilities and conversations all the time, your role is to be the source and cause of them to transform their conversations. Conversation champions are in communication all the time, not just at performance reviews or when things are tough. When you build trust and rapport with people during good times it is much easier to have tough conversations with your team and keep the momentum of success running.
Recommended Reading:
Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and All Switzler. ISBN13: 9780071401944 Publisher: McGraw Hill Education
Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, one conversation at a time. Susan Scott. 2003 ISBN: 074992397 Publisher: Penguin Putnam Inc.
Tribes: We Need You to Lead us. Seth Godwin ISBN 9781591842330 Published by: Penguin [USA]
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Being the Best
How do the best mortgage brokers become the best? What is it that has them write more, earn more and have a constant flood of referrals? Is it the flash car, house or toys they own? Is it the great staff they have? Is it their circle of friends and connections or is it the location they are in? Mmm, maybe... in my experience, success and results come from who you are being. Let me explain with a true story about my client Anne and her mortgage broker Greg.
Greg met with Anne to discuss the possibility of Anne buying her own home. They sat at a large beautiful table in her rented house. It was the table Anne had received from the settlement of her very amicable, yet sad divorce two years prior. During their conversation, Anne revealed to Greg that she had spent all the money from the divorce settlement and was now in debt with five maxed out credit cards to the tune of $50,000.
Greg had two choices at this point. He could have said: “Sorry, I’ve only got time for people who are in a position to get a loan.” He didn’t, instead Greg listened carefully to her and realised that Anne really wanted to change her position and buy a home for herself. Greg chose in that moment to invest in Anne’s vision and said to her: “Give me all your credit cards”. She did and he took all her cards, put them in a plastic container, filled it with water and put it in the freezer. “From now on”, he said sternly, “your line of credit is frozen and you are not allowed to spend money on anything except essentials and pay off debt.”
Over the next two years, Anne worked hard to lower her debt and Greg called her every once in a while by car phone between appointments for about five minutes to see how she was going. He even sent Anne a Christmas card one year. Greg’s card was not the usual company card, mass signed by everyone in the office with no personal comment. Greg’s card had only two words on it and they were… “Keep Going!” He didn’t realise it at the time but those words were the confidence boost she needed to believe in herself and not give up. That simple little card cemented the loyalty and trust Anne would have to Greg for the rest of her life.
Two more years passed and Anne was out of debt and in a position to buy her own home. There were a number of brokers ready to assist her; however, the ONLY person Anne would do business with was Greg. He had been there at the start, had built their relationship and demonstrated with the few phone calls, a Christmas card and a couple of coffee meetings that he wanted her dream to come true. It was not “just another” transaction for him. Anne bought her house and Greg came to see it and celebrate with her family and friends. Now, Anne promotes Greg all the time and makes introductions to her contacts about the “The Best Broker in the World”.
Do you look at people as transactions or a long term relationship? Are you focusing on THEIR visions, dreams and hopes or are you just cashing in on YOUR current needs and desires? The best become the best by being unconditional, committed relationship builders. Relationships and people all have their rocky times, the people who can see the long term and stand strong when it’s rocky become the very best.
Greg met with Anne to discuss the possibility of Anne buying her own home. They sat at a large beautiful table in her rented house. It was the table Anne had received from the settlement of her very amicable, yet sad divorce two years prior. During their conversation, Anne revealed to Greg that she had spent all the money from the divorce settlement and was now in debt with five maxed out credit cards to the tune of $50,000.
Greg had two choices at this point. He could have said: “Sorry, I’ve only got time for people who are in a position to get a loan.” He didn’t, instead Greg listened carefully to her and realised that Anne really wanted to change her position and buy a home for herself. Greg chose in that moment to invest in Anne’s vision and said to her: “Give me all your credit cards”. She did and he took all her cards, put them in a plastic container, filled it with water and put it in the freezer. “From now on”, he said sternly, “your line of credit is frozen and you are not allowed to spend money on anything except essentials and pay off debt.”
Over the next two years, Anne worked hard to lower her debt and Greg called her every once in a while by car phone between appointments for about five minutes to see how she was going. He even sent Anne a Christmas card one year. Greg’s card was not the usual company card, mass signed by everyone in the office with no personal comment. Greg’s card had only two words on it and they were… “Keep Going!” He didn’t realise it at the time but those words were the confidence boost she needed to believe in herself and not give up. That simple little card cemented the loyalty and trust Anne would have to Greg for the rest of her life.
Two more years passed and Anne was out of debt and in a position to buy her own home. There were a number of brokers ready to assist her; however, the ONLY person Anne would do business with was Greg. He had been there at the start, had built their relationship and demonstrated with the few phone calls, a Christmas card and a couple of coffee meetings that he wanted her dream to come true. It was not “just another” transaction for him. Anne bought her house and Greg came to see it and celebrate with her family and friends. Now, Anne promotes Greg all the time and makes introductions to her contacts about the “The Best Broker in the World”.
Do you look at people as transactions or a long term relationship? Are you focusing on THEIR visions, dreams and hopes or are you just cashing in on YOUR current needs and desires? The best become the best by being unconditional, committed relationship builders. Relationships and people all have their rocky times, the people who can see the long term and stand strong when it’s rocky become the very best.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Networking Tips for Leaders
Over the years working with leaders and business professionals, I’ve noticed many leaders feel they lack confidence in business networking. At any event you must have your networking skills focused and confidence high. This article outlines seven key tips on how you can network at a major event.
1. Set Intentions
OK, so you at the Leaders in Dubai event – congratulations! What are you doing here? What is your purpose? Do you have a clear objective to be here or are you having a relaxed couple of days out of the office? If you don’t know your intentions for this event, it’s time you did. Having your intentions clear is essential as you don’t want to waste the opportunity to meet other leaders, discuss ideas, opportunities and even do deals. Intentions are your own personal reasons for being here to keep you focused and present. So, the question to ask yourself is… What do I want to get out of this event? Take a few minutes and write down your intentions.
2. Listen
Many people become nervous and intimidated because they think a successful networker is a loud, confident, talkative person. This is not true. Let’s face it, the loud, confident people love to talk and they need someone to listen to them! Yes, quieter people have the advantage in networking as they are usually listening far more than they are talking. With so many leaders in the room, there will be lots of talking. So if you are feeling a little unsure of yourself just listen. During the conversation you will be able to hear opportunities, understand what other people need and be in a position to make a comment or suggestion. Remember, if you are naturally a less talkative person, being quiet and listening can be an advantage.
3. Speak Up
The full power of networking comes into play when you speak. When you hear an idea or comment in the conversation that fits into your area of knowledge or expertise you must speak up. That is your time to ask a question, make a statement or give an opinion. You MUST speak as this is the time to build your credibility and indicate to the listener who you are and what you are about. Also, when you do speak, make sure the other person can hear you clearly and say things that are easy to understand. Being cryptic, arrogant and conceited when you speak does not build rapport, it separates you. When networking, you goal is to make connection with others. Make it easy for others to understand and connect with you so they will want to talk with you more.
4. Focus Questions
To keep you on target with your intention, always have several focus questions that you know off by heart to open up conversation but more importantly direct the conversation towards your area of expertise. For example, say you had the intention of meeting three people in the education sector, your memorised focus question could be… ‘In your opinion, which organisations are the current leaders in education in Dubai?’ or if you were in business management your focus question could be ‘How do you lead your organisation with the world in such a state of change?’ Not everyone will provide relevant answers to your questions and that is OK. If this happens the conversation may go flat. Don’t’ panic, just ask another open ended question to keep the conversation flowing such as “What have you enjoyed about this event so far?” Your focus questions should blend into the discussion to create interesting conversation, not be an interrogation.
5. Use Business Cards
Business cards are the essential tool for successful networking. Many people are reluctant to give their cards to others because they think it’s ‘pushy’ or impolite. One way around this is to ask the other person for their card first. Simply say… ‘Do you have a business card?’ If the other person is interested in you, or wants to be polite, they will ask you for your business card in return. The other essential element is to take your business cards with you everywhere you go. Keep some in your car, bag/briefcase, jacket pockets, luggage and have three cards in your wallet as backup. You only need a few handy, just in case. Remember, a business card is a memory jogger for the person you’re giving it to. You want to help people remember you and to contact you during and after the event.
6. In-Between Sessions
If you arrive at the auditorium before a session starts and there are people there, introduce yourself. Lean over the row, instigate a handshake, say your name, tell them where you are from and ask an open ended question like, ‘What are you expecting from this next session?’ Then, on your way out of the auditorium, talk to the people you met before the session and ask them if they enjoyed it and have a conversation with them. Also at the breaks, lunches and dinners, make sure you sit with people you don’t know. If you must sit with people you do know, invite others to join you, welcome them to your group and start a conversation with them. Don’t just talk to the people you know. You can do that anytime.
7. Informal Networking
The most powerful place for networking at this event is… outside the event. Yes, the majority of networking can be seen in hotel lobbies, local restaurants, clubs and even organised social and tourism events. Leaders in Dubai delegates may come from all over the UAE and the world. Many long lasting connections will start at an initial introduction in the conference centre and then be further developed outside the event in a hotel, at breakfast, at organised dinners, on a sightseeing tour or even a few days after the event at the airport. Make sure you acknowledge people you met or saw at Leaders in Dubai outside the event as they may be someone to build a connection with. Networking is an ongoing opportunity and just because you don’t have the conference name badge on, doesn’t need to stop you networking, building long lasting connections and creating business.
1. Set Intentions
OK, so you at the Leaders in Dubai event – congratulations! What are you doing here? What is your purpose? Do you have a clear objective to be here or are you having a relaxed couple of days out of the office? If you don’t know your intentions for this event, it’s time you did. Having your intentions clear is essential as you don’t want to waste the opportunity to meet other leaders, discuss ideas, opportunities and even do deals. Intentions are your own personal reasons for being here to keep you focused and present. So, the question to ask yourself is… What do I want to get out of this event? Take a few minutes and write down your intentions.
2. Listen
Many people become nervous and intimidated because they think a successful networker is a loud, confident, talkative person. This is not true. Let’s face it, the loud, confident people love to talk and they need someone to listen to them! Yes, quieter people have the advantage in networking as they are usually listening far more than they are talking. With so many leaders in the room, there will be lots of talking. So if you are feeling a little unsure of yourself just listen. During the conversation you will be able to hear opportunities, understand what other people need and be in a position to make a comment or suggestion. Remember, if you are naturally a less talkative person, being quiet and listening can be an advantage.
3. Speak Up
The full power of networking comes into play when you speak. When you hear an idea or comment in the conversation that fits into your area of knowledge or expertise you must speak up. That is your time to ask a question, make a statement or give an opinion. You MUST speak as this is the time to build your credibility and indicate to the listener who you are and what you are about. Also, when you do speak, make sure the other person can hear you clearly and say things that are easy to understand. Being cryptic, arrogant and conceited when you speak does not build rapport, it separates you. When networking, you goal is to make connection with others. Make it easy for others to understand and connect with you so they will want to talk with you more.
4. Focus Questions
To keep you on target with your intention, always have several focus questions that you know off by heart to open up conversation but more importantly direct the conversation towards your area of expertise. For example, say you had the intention of meeting three people in the education sector, your memorised focus question could be… ‘In your opinion, which organisations are the current leaders in education in Dubai?’ or if you were in business management your focus question could be ‘How do you lead your organisation with the world in such a state of change?’ Not everyone will provide relevant answers to your questions and that is OK. If this happens the conversation may go flat. Don’t’ panic, just ask another open ended question to keep the conversation flowing such as “What have you enjoyed about this event so far?” Your focus questions should blend into the discussion to create interesting conversation, not be an interrogation.
5. Use Business Cards
Business cards are the essential tool for successful networking. Many people are reluctant to give their cards to others because they think it’s ‘pushy’ or impolite. One way around this is to ask the other person for their card first. Simply say… ‘Do you have a business card?’ If the other person is interested in you, or wants to be polite, they will ask you for your business card in return. The other essential element is to take your business cards with you everywhere you go. Keep some in your car, bag/briefcase, jacket pockets, luggage and have three cards in your wallet as backup. You only need a few handy, just in case. Remember, a business card is a memory jogger for the person you’re giving it to. You want to help people remember you and to contact you during and after the event.
6. In-Between Sessions
If you arrive at the auditorium before a session starts and there are people there, introduce yourself. Lean over the row, instigate a handshake, say your name, tell them where you are from and ask an open ended question like, ‘What are you expecting from this next session?’ Then, on your way out of the auditorium, talk to the people you met before the session and ask them if they enjoyed it and have a conversation with them. Also at the breaks, lunches and dinners, make sure you sit with people you don’t know. If you must sit with people you do know, invite others to join you, welcome them to your group and start a conversation with them. Don’t just talk to the people you know. You can do that anytime.
7. Informal Networking
The most powerful place for networking at this event is… outside the event. Yes, the majority of networking can be seen in hotel lobbies, local restaurants, clubs and even organised social and tourism events. Leaders in Dubai delegates may come from all over the UAE and the world. Many long lasting connections will start at an initial introduction in the conference centre and then be further developed outside the event in a hotel, at breakfast, at organised dinners, on a sightseeing tour or even a few days after the event at the airport. Make sure you acknowledge people you met or saw at Leaders in Dubai outside the event as they may be someone to build a connection with. Networking is an ongoing opportunity and just because you don’t have the conference name badge on, doesn’t need to stop you networking, building long lasting connections and creating business.
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