Tough Conversations

In any workplace, great communication is the key to good relationships and great business results. However for many of us it is the Tough Conversations which cause us the most worry, grief and lack of momentum. These conversations usually centre around such topics as:

• Redundancy
• Staffing levels
• Board reporting
• Performance issues
• Conflict resolution
• Difficult personalities [rude people]
• Sickness and health issues that impact on the workplace
• Bullying in the workplace
• Terminations
• Gossip
• Downsizing

As Tough Conversations are a part of our everyday life, we need to be in communication all the time and not just when we have a confronting situation is critical. There are some excellent books available [listed at the end of this article] including: Crucial Conversations, Fierce Conversations and one I would encourage everyone to read is called: Tribes. This encourages us to have a conversation with ourselves about being a leader. The way to handle Tough Conversations has mostly come to me by trial and error. There is no one right way to handle them. Here are some key strategies to consider when next you need to have a tough conversation.

How Tough Conversations Work
A tough conversation is a discussion between two or more people where the stakes are high, opinions are different and emotions are high. These conversations occur in every area of life and business such as HR, sales, training, finance and management.

All tough conversations are one of the three types:

1. What happened. Something happened and there are two or more different perspectives on it, and people are going to fight about what they think happened. This may be quite straight forward to deal with. The machine broke and production stopped – it is fact related and two or more opinions and stories need to worked with to get a solution.
2. Feelings. Two people who have an emotional reaction to each other; one might be feeling angry and the other might be feeling scared. These people are talking through emotional filters and feelings need to be addressed as a priority to allow communication to flow.
3. Identity. Two people are in conflict and the conversation is threatening their whole identity and how they perceive themselves or how others will perceive them.

The challenge with this conversation is that each person confronts themselves as well as confronting the other. For example, with a bully in the workplace you not only have to face a bully, you also must face yourself about having to confront a bully. Some personalities often like being difficult personalities, they don’t want to change their identity as it works for them. Identities such as Bully, Helper, Fixer, Drama Queen, Introvert, Intellectual, Know it All are all identity strategies that work to various degrees. If you challenge their identity you challenge who they are and what they believe about themselves.

An Identity conversation can knock you or the other person off balance. So knowing this,
there are 2 dynamics to the identity conversation. The first dynamic is Internal Reflection.

This is where they ask themselves three basic questions:

1. Am I competent? This is a basic human reaction.
2. Am I a good person? We all want to be good / liked / approved / acknowledged
3. Am I worthy of love? Again, this is a basic human reaction and a primary human need.

For example: A colleague is diagnosed with a type of cancer, has medical treatment for a few months, they are in remission and they come back to work. Their productivity is not as was, they get tired more often and can really only do half days, yet their identity tells them that they must be back at work, doing the job and doing it well. A tough conversation to have with them might be: “Since your cancer diagnosis and treatment, your strength and endurance isn’t the same. I want you to be here as your contribution is fantastic. How can we design your job so that you get the rest and support you need? Have you considered a shorter work week or shorter days?” When you say this, they are immediately going to be internally reflecting with: Am I competent, am I good enough, do they really want me (do they love me)? If you know this is where they are likely to go, it is easier for you to address these questions and also make you and the conversation a safe place for them to be.
The second dynamic is Feedback Reaction. The person you are speaking with is going to deal with the feedback in one of four ways. They are:

1. The All or Nothing - This person is hypersensitive to feedback. They will burst into tears, or get angry or say nothing at all and become emotionally unstable. They are an emotional cocktail and you need to watch their reaction and monitor it. You may need to take time out to let them calm down or let the emotion out.
2. Denial - This type of person clings to the positive feedback. It takes a great deal of mental energy to continue in denial, and the don’t accept negative feedback. This is tough for you and everyone around them. Be patient with them and help them to ‘get’ the reality of the feedback.
3. Exaggeration – This type of person will overplay feedback to the nth degree. If it is good they build themselves up, if it is negative they are destroyed. Again, be patient and don’t pander to the exaggeration, stay calm and focussed.
4. Acceptance – These reaction is rare. This type of person is self aware and open to feedback and will take it on board. Note: even the most experienced and mature people will still sometimes do one or all of the above, depending on how TOUGH the conversation is for them, and, that is OK.

Tough Conversations are undertaken out of commitment and contribution. Many people don’t see it that way, and now you can see why. Here are some hints that may assist you when preparing for tough conversations:

1. You are going to make mistakes. So don’t expect to be perfect, and don’t get yourself tied in knots if you make a mistake. Keep going.
2. You have contributed to the problem. In every case, there is a part of you involved in this problem, even it is only that you are having to deal with it.
3. Let go of trying to control the outcome. The board, or the manager, or the employee is going to be the way they are going to be, you don’t have control over their reactions to tough conversations. They are going to react, and you can still be there for them. If you are prepared, if you have thought through what to expect, it will make it easier for you and them.
4. Making adequate time to have the tough conversations. It is no good to say: I’ve only got five minutes let’s get this over with. You need to give the other party time to respond and also time to let the conversation unfold and get complete the first time you have it.
5. Take a break. If you are in the middle of a conversation and it is not working take time out. You can say: Let’s take a break and come back in five minutes. It is important to put a time limit so the parties do come back.
6. Check for distortions and exaggerations. Sometimes people get carried away and they start feeding on the story, dramatising it and bringing in irrelevancies. It is your job to say: I think we’re off the track.

7. Be the Conversation Champion. Ok, here is something tough I’d like you to consider… You are the source of the quality of the conversations in your company. Because of your position in HR or your leadership role you actually impact way the entire company conversations goes. Pretty massive idea huh? So, even if you have a CEO or a management team with no people skills who destroy possibilities and conversations all the time, your role is to be the source and cause of them to transform their conversations. Conversation champions are in communication all the time, not just at performance reviews or when things are tough. When you build trust and rapport with people during good times it is much easier to have tough conversations with your team and keep the momentum of success running.

Recommended Reading:

Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and All Switzler. ISBN13: 9780071401944 Publisher: McGraw Hill Education

Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, one conversation at a time. Susan Scott. 2003 ISBN: 074992397 Publisher: Penguin Putnam Inc.

Tribes: We Need You to Lead us. Seth Godwin ISBN 9781591842330 Published by: Penguin [USA]